What’s Your Name, Hurricane?

HurricaneIsabelHarvey. Irma. Katrina. What is up with giving hurricanes regular human names? Seems strange. I know what some are going to say. That Irma is fast approaching Florida and now is not the time for this kind of tomfoolery. Well, I should have posted this yesterday, I guess–when Hurricane Irma was devastating Cuba–or two days ago–when it was all balls-out–in the Bahamas, and then it would have been fine.

But you know what? When a flood hit my hometown in 1997 the rest of the world was busy jackin’ off to young Jenna Jameson, back when she didn’t look like nature’s mistake, and no one cared we had to swim to the grocery store only to find it had not opened for the day and we would have to wait on the roof until noon “because it’s Saturday, dummy!”

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So, what is up with the names? Is it to personify nature yet again after it has been thoroughly demystified in modern times by all the scientific poking? Is it to give nature a semblance of intention? Is it a quasi-religious thing? Hurricane God? That one would be strong, no doubt. But why all the nice names. Granted my sister’s name is a variant of Katrina and hell knows she ain’t too much of a nice person, so maybe I get that one. But Irma?

Irma sounds plain nice. That’s the crux of it, I think: The media likes nice when nice is combined with cataclysmic. “The bad man shot an innocent girl.”

So what would you call them hurricanes?, someone shouts from the back of the room. I’d call them some real hurricane names. Something that, when the authorities said to get ready to evacuate, the name itself would convince me. Fast into my naming tenure there’d be Hurricane Vader and Hurricane Punishment and Hurricane Quick Justice. And of course Hurricane BamBam. The little dude from the Flintstones, not the teen Thai singer sensation.

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