I get up this gloomy morning and my head is throbbing with pain. But that is the least of my worries. I desperately want to take a dump, and while normally it’s not a problem, I can see my dogs all ready to go on their first walk and take their dump too.
Unexpectedly, it’s decision time. It’s no time for tricks, for training, for bribing dogs with snacks. Duh. This is about priorities. It’s about loyalty and devotion and self-discipline. The pain clouds my judgement for a second, but soon enough I manage to get my head straight.
As I squeeze my buttcheeks tight, I choose to let the dogs go first. I put a harness on the one that’s handicapped and old. I put the other one, also old, on a leash, and off we go.
I observe witness them take turns shitting not without jealousy as we make a circle on our way around the park.
But when, having conducted their business, they go “So can we play now? Can we sniff around some stuff here and there?” When they go “Hey man, we already pooped, let’s not hurry anymore, let’s take our time over here on this gloomy morning.”
This is when I snap. This is how far my devotion goes. This far and no further: “No, you dummies! Home! Now!”
Thank god for my Olympian sphincters.